Friday, October 28, 2011

A New Mom's Confession

As I contemplate another sleepless night and another day of a sick, crying, whining baby, I come to to realize something...having a baby and taking care of a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Although I have not lived all that long, there is some merit in the fact that this task of motherhood has become my greatest challenge.

Lately, my only solace has been seeing Jane act as though she knows that I love her and have compassion for her not feeling well and a husband who will take turns caring for Jane. Those two things keep my eyelids open and get one foot to follow the other. I am making it sound very hard to raise a child...because it is. However natural it is for me to love and cherish my daughter, it is not natural for me to know how to be selfless 24/7. I had a lot of young single adult years and two full years with my husband before Jane came, and I was accustomed to coming and going as I pleased and for the most part doing the things that I wanted to, when I wanted to. I remember my mom telling me that I had plenty of time to have a family as I was crying and complaining about not being married and later about not being able to get pregnant. Now her words pierce me and for one small selfish moment, I wish I had had a little more time before my angel arrived. There are a few things I miss about being baby-less: getting from point A to point B without packing a diaper bag, putting extra clothing on a baby, putting the baby in the car seat, hearing crying from the backseat, and feeling rushed; sleeping from evening to morning; having a clean house all of the time; getting all my lesson planning and school work done before noon; wearing my small, cute clothes; and spending quality,uninterrupted time with my husband. I am not sure if it is good to dwell on such a list, but I am not ashamed of my new mom status and all the growing pains that accompany this place in life.

The contradictory feelings of having a child baffles me. You are completely in love with this gift from God, with moments of pure joy, but you are frustrated and emotionally, physically and financially drained because of the same gift. There are moments when I want to throw in the towel and call a grandma to take her until I am ready for her again. (As if grandmas have not already done enough mothering =).

All I have to say is...I am not going to give up, and I imagine that if this is the hardest thing that I have ever done, it is also the most rewarding thing I will ever do in my life.

A young, tired, blessed, too honest mother singing off.

4 comments

  1. Hi Lucy,
    I hope you don't mind me reading your blog. I am married to Char's brother Derril.
    You expressed so well my own feelings of motherhood. My baby is now 23 years old but I still remember saying out loud "how can something I want so badly, be so hard". And I think grandma's are such a great support because we really do understand your feelings. I have often wondered how my own mother survived those sleepness nights when I was born just 1 year and 6 days after my sister.
    I LOVE your sweet and honest spirit. And hereby nominate YOU to give the Mother's Day talk next year.

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  2. I have those days too. i just look at Tony and tell him " I don't know how to be a mom today" and then i go and soak in the bath for as long as i need to recooperate while reading a book. You are awesome! and you are doing a great job.

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  3. Randi Sue, I do not mind you reading my blog at all! Thank you for your encouragement. It is nice to know that seasoned moms remember those hard days too. I wonder how your mother survived with babies so close together as well! =) Thank you for your compliments and I sure hope you haven't jinxed me for the mother's day talk. ;)

    Thanks Audra! I need to try that soaking in the tub thing too! =)By the way, the massage totally worked on Jane. You are a life saver!

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  4. Luc - I am awful at blog following lately but what a great time to reconnect with yours. I LOVE how REAL and HONEST you were in this post (not that you're arent usually) but sometimes I can't handle blogger world in general for how perfect everyone makes there lives sound on their blog. And I KNOW no one's life is perfect. It's like sometimes I feel that everyone makes diaper changes sound like it's the most amazing experience, and they totally just love their baby when they pooh everywhere, or scream, or make messes, and they're the perfect wife and person and I just think, oh gag me.

    I guess I'm trying to say that I can totally relate to this post. I think it's SO NORMAL to feel what you feel. It's why motherhood is the hardest job, because it's a 24/7 job. It has perks to it, and I'm so grateful I have the opportunity to do this as my job, and I can't imagine how I could love my little boy anymore (as I'm sure you feel towards your darling little Jane) but oh mercy there are days I want to call in sick, or take a vacation, or leave my "job" for the weekend and come back in on Monday, from 8-5 ;).

    I've had alot of jobs in my life, like you, and I agree, motherhood is the hardest by far I've EVER had. Also the most rewarding, but hard. Just know, those sleepless nights, will turn into nights of sleep again, and when you can, take time-outs for yourself too. Because you're a person, and you're a wife and now more than ever I realize as life gets busier, that those date nights, away and out of the house, are so important. And mini-getaways, if you ever get the chance, just you and your hubby without cute Jane, are fantastic. Sure you're gonna miss her, but you'll come back feeling rejuvenated b/c you'll feel refreshed reconnect and remember life before baby.

    And you're doing awesome. And you're a fantastic mom - even if you feel frustrated, exhausted, and impatient at times.

    But what I know is that I loved this post. So refreshing, and easy to relate to. And I think you're a rockstar ;

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